For most of my student and professional life, I have researched/worked on or generally been interested in educating myself on gender issues. I have noticed though, that for the urban, educated class- there is a lot of ignorance and a newfound dismissal with respect to emerging dialogues on sexual harassment. So moving from petitions and research papers, I thought of trying a candid piece, about conversations regarding gender based harassment/abuse because the magnitude of data doesn’t seem to convince everyone on how ubiquitous the problem is.

In India, the apex court and consequent legislations have defined sexual harassment against women as including “unwelcome, sexually tinted behaviors whether directly or impliedly…” It’s just that various acts have been so normalized in our daily lives, that generally masses are unaware of their legal standings. Recent times, have seen conversations surrounding support towards the survivors of harassment/rape but what would you do if someone you know has been accused of the same?    

The answer is not obvious; you may feel shame, fear, hurt or even denial but the first thing to realize that it is not impossible that a person whom you know or consider as close, is capable of doing something wrong (read criminal here). We generally tend to categorize people as ‘good v. bad’ and if you always demonise the guilty or think that these kind of incidents would never happen to you or somebody you associate it, then you are disassociating yourself from the reality.

It could happen to you under various circumstances. You may have never suspected them of such behaviour or maybe you disagreed to some of their opinions or actions, it could be a misunderstanding or the facts are too clear. In a situation where you were close or had immense trust, you will have conflicting ideas about this act and their previous behaviours. You may also feel guilty- for ignoring the signs or in fact noticing no signs at all. It’s not your fault alone, our society’s lack of acknowledgement of everyday harassment makes such conversations ‘awkward’ and thus absent.

It won’t be an easy ordeal but remain open minded throughout.  Take your time to figure out things. There is no need for a knee-jerk solution and you are allowed to think over it but stay open to facts, even if they are tough to believe in.

So, what happens to your friendship now?

• There is full spectrum of behaviours that constitutes harassment – from inappropriate comments, unwanted touching to stalking or using physical force. Nobody can give you a one-stop-solution so it is your choice to hate, ostracize, or help and reform your friend. The nature of the act, level of relationship you share, their remorse or further actions can assist in shaping your opinion.
  
• Before forming any judgement, get the facts of the incidence and talk to a trusted confidante and look at it objectively. Ask yourself, if your opinion would be different if the accused was not your friend? How is your friend reacting to the allegations-are they being self-reflective or defensive?
  
• If you do decide to help your friend who is guilty, remember it won’t be an easy journey. Take this decision while acknowledging their action in front of him as well as the victim(s) and their friends. You shouldn’t make excuses for them or compartmentalize the act, as a singular act from the rest of their personality and live in denial.
  You do not have the right to forgive a harasser/bully for violating someone else.

• Get educated about issues of sexual assault and harassment and do not engage in any actions on your friends behalf-especially retaliatory in nature. In fact encourage your friend also to make good choices. Encourage conversations on similar issues- with friends, at home, anywhere.
• You might also face and accept certain consequences, such as victims or their friends not being comfortable talking to you or having cordial relations, and they are allowed to do so.

I recently started my practice and have closely worked on cases, in courts, IC’s and out of it but I still think I am not qualified enough to give you the ‘right’ answers (I do not think anybody is) so, do not hesitate to seek help for your friend and even yourself. In fact reformation cannot be overnight, so make sure your friend seeks therapy and gets the help to understand why they did and to prevent such behavior in the future. Also, be mindful of your own needs too and remember to take care of yourself.

There are various affordable and free counselling services available, feel free to reach out for recommendations/suggestions.